I once thought I was doomed to be fat for the rest of my life. Through the years, I had tried just about every "Diet" under the sun and would lose 50 pounds or so only to regain it. I guess you could've called me a Professional Dieter. But nothing worked It was frustrating, defeating. I thought at 54 years old I had to come to terms with accepting myself at almost 300 pounds.
I was never a person who really was comfortable with being fat. I was very successful in my career. Had tons of friends, an extraordinary supportive and loving family but inside I felt I had failed myself, that on the outside my behavior and attitude tried to portray a happy, together and well adjusted woman but boy was that far from the truth. I felt so ashamed. I didn't want people to see me so heavy. I couldn't act as if it didn't bother me anymore.
Then somehow, after seeing the
6wbmo infomercial something just clicked. I remember thinking, these are real people, these are people like me, this is not a gimmick, they seem to be eating real food. Sure, I had my doubts, but I felt this was really something I could live with, something I could do. And so my journey began.
For me, it all began in my head, the desire to really make a huge life change. Truthfully, I was motivated by fear. I had an injury to my knee and my doctor told me that I couldn't have elective surgery because it was too risky and that I could possibly die. I was floored. I couldn't believe what I heard. What if I really needed surgery and it wasn't elective? What if there was an emergency or I needed a lifesaving operation and I died on the table because I was fat? This finally got my attention. This was something I had control over. I could change the outcome by my own (and only my own) actions.
In one of those grand ironies, as it turned out, seven months into my program, I did have to have surgery. I had a pancreatic tumor which had to be removed. But by then, I was ready. I had lost 98 pounds, I no longer had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high triglycerides or sleep apnea and the doctors said It would be safe to proceed. I came through the surgery with flying colors.
One of the other main motivating forces for me to lose this weight was the fact that I knew I could. I mean, looking around I saw so many people who had debilitating diseases: trapped in their own bodies without the ability to heal themselves. I, however, was relatively healthy, physically mobile and could do something about my circumstance. So, why didn't I? I think it was the fear of failing yet again and not really wanting to step out of my comfort zone. I guess I had made the choice to stay unfit. I had made the choice to allow my weight to get out of control and consume me. Now, I needed to make the choice to be healthy and live.
I owe my life to this program. I owe my mental health to this program, I owe my new healthier body to this program.
Mentoring has been an important part of my success, The first day I logged onto this site. I somehow found Elaine ie909ca. It was on my birthday, April 29th, 2005 which was the same day Elaine lost 100 pounds, eleven months into her program. She also started at the same weight I was at that very day. I read her profile and her online journal and was so inspired by her story that I asked if I could join the group she was part of (the Pacific Babes Thread - a group of women who had been together for about a year). They graciously accepted me with open arms and I proceeded to lose 100 pounds in 8 months. I wanted to surround myself with other people who had been successful with this program. I know that connecting with this positive and supportive group made an enormous impact on my success. Elaine and I struck up a wonderful friendship which has grown over the past 20 months.
After being on the program for one week, I got on the scale for my first official weigh in. I was excited but oh so nervous too. I was totally blown away. My eyes were bugging out of my head. I stepped on the scale a few times just to be sure I was seeing things right. I lost 8 1/2 pounds!! Wow!! I became a true believer. I actually spent a pain free week eating plenty of food, drinking lots and lots of water and just like everyone said. Success!!! I had no expectation, just wanted to see the scale go down. So this was beyond my wildest dreams.
I have always been a "letter of the Law," all or nothing kind of person. If I ever deviated from my "diet," I would be a deviant. I would then find myself unable to forgive myself and it would be the beginning of the end. But now, my entire mentality has changed. These days, I hate the word "Diet." To me it's a four letter word.
Diets don't work. You go on a diet to only go off. Now, there is no ON or OFF. This is the way I choose to live for now and for always.
I often have people asking me if I feel deprived. I love it when I hear this because it gives me the opportunity to tell them how I would feel deprived if I ate the ICK. I would be depriving myself of feeling so good about myself, feeling proud of myself. feeling comfortable in my own skin. I hid from the camera for over 20 years. There are so few photos of me. At almost 300 pounds, I was mortified at the thought of having my photo taken. I hated the way I looked. I was so embarrassed. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to take my "before" pictures, but my sister Jeannie insisted. I didn't look at them for an entire year. But today, I am so thankful to her for making me take those before pictures and now, I take pictures all the time. So
"deprivation" means I would be depriving myself of all the wonderful things I wasn't able to enjoy.
I had to learn what would work for me. I have become a quasi-creative cook. I was never interested in cooking until this program. Now, I have been having so much fun with finding different and tasty ways of preparing turkey, chicken and fish. All simple, all filled with lots of spice (I am a hot spice queen). I even concocted spicy pickles...The key to the kingdom has been preparation... I learned in order for this program to really work, I had to invest in preparation each and every week. Taking the time to prepare my food has been a priority.
It was important to me to be able to eat out and to travel. It is a social activity that I felt was important to continue. I didn't want to use eating out or traveling as an excuse to go off plan. So, early on I decided I was going to figure out how I would manage this. I do a few things:
• I always take something with me. At minimum, I take my plain balsamic vinegar (for salads) and my trusty low sodium very spicy hot sauce in a little bottle for baked potatoes and general use. I always keep no salt/ low salt rice cakes in my car with a can of low sodium tuna. I figure it's better to be prepared than get caught with nothing to eat. Whenever we go out to a restaurant, people usually defer to me. I just try to avoid Mexican and Chinese restaurants and most Italian restaurants have a limited choice too. I do well at any seafood, Japanese or American restaurant.
• I always wait to be the last to order. I'm very specific about what I want. I ask if they can prepare my food without salt, oil or butter. I basically ask for it to be "naked". This has worked so well for me. I also asked for my veggies steamed, baked potato without salt or butter and substitute bad choices with fresh fruit if they have it. I really find it easy to eat out. But it does take planning.
• One of my favorite and easiest meals is an egg white omelet with spinach and mushrooms along with that fresh fruit. This you can find in most places and they usually have no trouble preparing it Naked.
• When traveling, I make sure there is a refrigerator in our room. I cook plenty of food to take with me which I transport in a cooler (this works if you drive). I take my magic bullet and protein powder for smoothies. I always have the option to eat the food I bring or eat out.
Over the past year there have been so many
wonderful moments that have helped me stay so motivated:
After a couple of months on plan my oldest son Tony saying "Wow, you have a neck, you are looking great!!!
Seeing friends who haven't seen me since losing the weight squeal with delight and disbelief.
A good friend who actually started to cry because she thought I had to be ill due to the large amount of weight I lost.
My younger son Mikel, comparing me to the nesting dolls, (you know the Russian ones that fit inside each other). He would tell me "You're a smaller you" and for Christmas last year, he actually bought me the nesting dolls
My sister Jeannie shouting my praises to everyone she knows, always telling me how proud she is of me.
My 91 year old father thinking that the virtual photo of me wearing a bikini (thanks to Elaine) was actually me!!!!
My husband Jim calling me tiny (I'm far from being tiny, but it's still so cute when he says it). It feels so good to hear him tell others how well I'm doing. How proud he is of me! We were walking our dogs a while ago, he was walking behind me and said "You know, you really don't have to lose anymore weight." I turned, smiled and said, "Yes, I Do!!" But it was so sweet the way he said it. One of my favorite things to do, wacky as it may sound, is standing behind my hubby while looking in the mirror. You can't see me anymore. It used to be I was almost twice his size (actually so much wider), now I can stand behind him and voila! no Bonnie!! Again just a little thing, but one that makes me feel great!..
Another moment that means so much to me was the day I hit
Onederland.. It had to be over 15 years since I saw a one in front of my number. I got on the scale and there it was!! 199.5 pounds!! I got on again to be sure my eyes weren't deceiving me and yeppers. 199.5! I then found myself standing on the scale and crying. Of course, tears of joy!!
What an emotional roller coaster.I still wake up some mornings and look in the mirror in disbelief. I guess I'm afraid my old image will be looking back at me. I had the strangest feeling one day - I felt like I was an imposter, like I was wearing a thin suit and people didn't know that the real me was actually this fat person inside. I need to change these pictures in my own mind.
I have met so many amazing people on this plan, have developed wonderful friendships and have received more support than a person could hope for. These forums are chock full of inspiring people who are more than willing to reach out and help guide you through. What a gift this has been. One of my very favorite motivational pieces is
Lessons FromThe Geese~ it addresses the power of teamwork and support.
I know the odds are stacked against people who lose weight. We all have read the statistics. We all know people who have lost tons of weight, only to regain it. We are all searching and trying to finds ways to make this journey one that lasts forever. And it often feels like a salmon swimming upstream. Well, I am determined to be part of the successful ones. I have learned so much about myself these past 20 months. I still have a ways to go.
I've lost 120 lbs and 105 inches. But this is not a destination. It is a process, one that takes eternal vigilance but also has so many rewards.
I hear people saying they just want to be "Normal." Well, normal isn't all it's cracked up to be. People say they want to go back to eating normal. There is no going back to being "normal." The operative word is "back." If you go back to eating the way you did, you will become what you were. So for me I am embracing my
New Normal. This is just the beginning.
How we think and what we articulate is so powerful and helps create who we are and what we believe and ultimately how we behave.So I am proud to be called a Loser, because in actuality, I have gained so much more than I ever imagined I would.
